In theory, communication is simple. You send a message and the recipient receives it and acts accordingly to the content of the message – in practice, communication is a far cry from its theory. Each and every day you can’t help witnessing people who are either unable to express themselves in a clear way or deliberately avoid doing so, out of whatever reason. Communication, by its very meaning, has always had to do with passing a message to another entity but obscure communication takes the essence out of it: The information shared. Instead of making oneself understood amongst others, misunderstandings inevitably are aroused – the root of most conflicts.

There is one major reason that dominates all others why people opt to deliberately blur information clarity:

Fear.

Probably the most common type of fear associated with unclear communication is the fear of rejection. The probability that your counterpart will disagree with or get hurt by the information you are about to transmit is often enough sufficient to drive people to withhold information.

The percentage of information transmitted is directly related to the level of self-acceptance and self-love. The more the person is in touch with itself, the less the damage an undesired answer can deal. A person with a high level of self-worth is hard to hurt – in any case, this person will have realized that any level of interpersonal incongruence has no impact on his or her worth and the level of validity of his or her perspective. A person with little self-worth that is out of touch with itself however is easy to hurt. Even small levels of incongruence in interpersonal communication will directly translate to a diminished experience of self-worth and a devastated validity of the person’s perspective.

Translated to real life experiences, the brink of a conflict sparked by incongruence in communication will be experienced much different. There are four major characteristics, when it comes to dealing with incongruence.

The Aware

A person that is very much in touch with itself will most probably reply: “Okay. We’re out of congruence in this point. I have reasons to believe that my perspective holds true as much as you will have. Could you therefore help me understand why your perspective is correct?” The dominating mind-set here is acceptance of the own perspective and understanding for the other’s perspective – awareness that all perspectives are equivalent. This mind-set is growth-oriented and enables the person to experience new insights. The possibility that he or she might be wrong is none of a threat – cooperation and learning better is the goal of communication.

The Egomaniac

A person, whose ego is really blown-up, will most probably reply: “I don’t see why your point makes any sense. My perspective has to be closer to truth than yours, because so and so.” Forcing the opponent into congruence is the dominating mind-set for the ego-driven person. In reality, this person also experiences fear – fear of not being right. In order to avoid being wrong, the person is very keen on its own perspective and would never allow the opponent’s perspective to hold true (which would mean defeat). This way, the person keeps itself from learning about new insights and while he or she may be able to “convince” his or her opponent by force, the discussion is ended with a mind-set of conflict and concurrence instead of a mind-set of cooperation. Ego-driven people often become hugely successful in life, from a perspective of monetary or other mundane riches, but often lack true friends and a loving relationship and hence are far from being happy or satisfied with what they have achieved.

The Preacher

A person with a lack of self-worth but a pile of knowledge will most probably reply: “But see, my perspective has a point because so and so. Please understand.” The underlying phrase this person communicates is to beg for acceptance and praise. While generally open for other perspectives, this person experiences just too much fear to be able to give in – in the belief that they would lose themselves by doing so. Occasionally, such a person can be confused for an arrogant one because of the persistence of their arguments, even if proved wrong. The opponent to this person is like a life-threatening danger. This type of person is normally very well-educated and intelligent but has a hard time being respected and finding real friends. The pseudo-arrogant outside blocks the revelation of a lovable inside.

The Follower

A person with a lack of self-worth and mediocre knowledge will most probably reply: “I see that I am wrong here. Sorry for being wrong. Thanks for clarification.” He or she will never defend his or her perspective and willingly give in to whatever criticism comes along. Due to the lack of self-worth, this person will have no faith in the correctness of its own opinion – the circumstance that others always know better is the dominating mind-set. Even if right, these people will have no faith in what they do or believe unless they are encouraged by others – thereby making them dependent on their consent. This person is the archetype of the follower – a person without own opinion that accepts whatever opinion the currently chosen leader has. For this kind of person it is normal to regularly change the leader in search for protection from the former leader as these individuals are easily abused when straying from their former leader’s opinion.

It only is the Aware that has the ability to communicate information just as it is: Acceptance of the own perspective and openness for the other persons’. All the others have problems either to accept the other’s opinion, the own opinion or both and therefore are driven to conflict-laden communication and therefore problematic relationships.

Many people share the problems of the Egomaniac, the Preacher and the Follower in an age that is infested with so much information that conflict is almost pre-programmed, regardless of what we do or say. The probability that our own behavior is against someone else’s norm is steadily approaching one with a rising number of people around so conflict is practically inevitable – it is a key ability to be able to deal with the fear of clear communication.

In order to become a human being that is able to safely navigate through these rough times, it is important to achieve a level of self-worth and self-acceptance that enables you to accept your opinion, even when faced with harsh opposition. Interestingly, your opposition can easily transform to an alliance from the moment you at least try to understand their perspective. Furthermore, people usually start to accept your perspective from the moment you wholeheartedly mean it – people pick up on the slightest trace of self-doubt, so make sure that there is no more of it.

For all those who haven’t yet achieved this goal, the way towards it is the key. There are numerous ways to increase your level of self-acceptance. One of the easiest options to implement in daily life is choosing situations where you show self-acceptance in spite of the fact that they require a little bit more than you normally have. Thereby, you move out of your comfort zone into the so-called ‘learning zone’, where you experience discomfort without panicking. This way, you can gradually grow to become more self-confident – situations that you have once mastered will be easy to handle in future.

A lot of small steps form a long way. If you are persistent, you will achieve what you want. If you are already there: Congratulations. You are amongst the souls that this planet is in high need of Be yourself and trust yourself.

About the Author: Simon Voggeneder studies the fields of mental power, healthy nutrition and natural training. Read his blog and improve your life now: ishina.info. Learn  about training, nutrition, media, spirituality and self growth.

I can take a guess and bet that most of you who read my blog and the other blogs out there on personal development get some sort of “high” with every new article. When I say “high”, I mean in the sense of empowerment. To go even further, you feel as if you are doing yourself a favor by learning about new ways to take your life to the next level. Now, the obvious question is, are you? After you read one of my powerful articles, do you really go back to “reality” and take action on this new information you just learned about? Has there even been a time when you read an article, then just forgot about it?

“Forget it about it”

Chances are that you’ve read dozens and dozens of articles on the web about how to do “this”,  what to do with “that”, and 18 million steps to be “something”, etc. Do you ever get an empty void type of feeling that tells you, “I need more…”?  The truth of the matter is that most of the stuff you read, whether it be online, in a book, or at a seminar, you will forget about within 1 hour to give or take a few days. You, like most other people, just have that feeling inside that tells you to keep reading, keep studying, and wait until you have everything single bit of information you need, before you take action. Why is that? The answer lies in the ‘fear department’. It could be you fear of failure, rejection, success or a number similar issues. So let me start by saying that the average person will usually forget almost 80% of the information they learn every day. Chances are by the end of this day, you will probably forget most of what you’re learning from this article. Well it’s wasn’t necessarily your fault in the past, but it will be after you finish reading this…

Take Action

The most successful people on the planet can take bits and pieces of information from a few pages in a book and implement it in their business right a way. Not only that, but these types of people are not afraid of failing. In fact, one must fail forward fast if your interest is in growing and moving forward.

Here are different ways we learn according to the William Glasser’s Institute.

• 10% What we READ
• 20% What we HEAR
• 30% What we SEE
• 50% What we SEE and HEAR
• 70% What we DISCUSSED with OTHERS
• 80% What we EXPERIENCED PERSONALLY
• 95% What we TEACH TO SOMEONE ELSE

Obviously the best way for you to retain information is by teaching someone, but how can one teach someone something they haven’t done themselves. So what the statistics above should tell you is that the sooner you learn something new, the faster you better take action on it, since the quicker you do, the better you’ll understand it.  As you begin to shift your mindset to this new style of thinking, I want you to go back to a time when someone told you to do something and you did it. What happened? Were you instantly satisfied with the results? Let’s take the time you learned to drive a car. You read about it, you took action and followed through with what you read and then you practiced it. Sooner or later after that moment, you practically mastered it or at least allowed yourself to do it as if it were second nature.  Pretty powerful, isn’t it?

Since your beginning to understand the urgency of this issue, I need you trust me and pay attention to what I have to say. After you read this article, I want you to read one of my previous articles or download my book, 7 Day Persuasive Communication and immediately take action. It’s very simple guys and gals, learn something new and do it right away. If you don’t, then consider yourself to be as useful as a computer, full of information, but you probably won’t make a dime off of it. I guarantee that if you do what I say, you’ll see better results than you would by reading 5 books back to back.

To recap, read an article of mine, my 7 day course, or even someone else’s blog for all I care and figure out a way to APPLY IT in your life seconds or even moments after your finish reading it. Write a comment and share your experiences with me below.

We do not change types except in times of great stress.  Over the next few days, I’ll cover one of the four types of personalities and explain to you exactly how they think and most importantly, make decisions.

Then, as you begin to understand how to tell the personalities apart, I’ll teach you the ability to allow yourself to become versatile in any selling situation, won’t that be great? Now I want you to focus on a guy like Simon Cowell as we talk about “Drivers”

Personality Type: Driver (“Let’s do it now”)

People who fall into the Driver personality type tend to be very controlling and possibly demanding. They know what they want and they aren’t afraid to let you know.  They normally have little to no emotion and make decisions quickly and assertively.

To quickly sum up the characteristics of a driver:

• Demands control or will take it when available.  Looks for opportunity to be ‘in charge’.
• Will get things done, likes goals and achieving them.  Frames life as a sequence of “I did this.”
• Straight to the point, looks for the bottom line.  Dislikes complexity or ambiguity.
• Little patience for the small details that aren’t clearly in line with goal seeking.
• Doesn’t like situations where they have no say in what’s happening.
• Appears to be arrogant and standoffish.  Can seem overly aggressive, especially in the heat of a project.  Will see people as ‘obstacles’ or ‘allies’.
• Can appear as Alpha male/female type

Drivers may appear intimidating, however, you must remember to put your emotions aside and not take things personally. Since I would say that I’m an extreme expressive, I find myself to be a very emotional person. By emotional, I mean that I pretty much wear my mood on my shoulders. When I use to work for Mike Ferry, the best trainer and coach from the Real Estate industry, my team leader was a very arrogant driver. He always wanted things done his way or the highway. Our communication was so one sided that I would constantly get mad by just talking to him. However, later, as I began to understand the way people work and make decisions, I realized that it wasn’t his fault for being such a prick, it was mine. Since I wasn’t communicating the way he wants to be communicated to, our personalities clashed. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about the person in front of you.

How to deal with a Driver:

When presenting information to a Driver, avoid graphs, power point presentations, charts, and lists of data.  Keep it short, simple, and sweet.

Expressive Personality Type:

Prevent yourself from going off on a tangent. If you absolutely must tell a story, give them the point of the story first. Otherwise, they’ll keep thinking about what your story is supposed to lead up to and quickly become annoyed by it.

Analytical Personality Type:

Drivers are general very annoyed by analytical people. An analytical should  obviously avoid stories, details, numbers, etc. If you must give them stats, give them the end results, not the entire formula that led you to that answer.

Amiable Personality Type:

Drivers usually love amiable people because amiable people aim to please and do whatever the driver tells them to do. Amiable people, just remember to stick to the point, and speak up!

Are you a Driver? If not, what experiences have you had when dealing you dealt with Drivers?

Ever feel like you’re being brainwashed? And by the way I’m not suggesting that you totally agree with everything in this article because I’m a nice guy and have your best interests at heart.It’s just that you know there are times when you find yourself suddenly craving a big Mac or salivating about that new GM muscle car or the new Ford mustang or just absolutely have to have those special tooth whitening strips so you’ll be more attractive… And moments before you watched the commercial or read the ad, you weren’t even thinking about it.  The question is….are you being brainwashed? Or just influenced?

According to my secret sources in the US Military, for brainwashing to be present all 5 of the following conditions must be met. So ask yourself now

1. Have you been removed from your normal environment of influence or confined to the “compound” and not allowed to leave no contact with “outside”?
2. Have you been deprived of sleep getting less than 6 hours per night? (psst are your children brainwashing you?)
3. Are you given emotional, physical or psychological pain or punishment if you disagree?
4. Do you get pleasure or rewards if you agree to “get with the program”?
5. Has your bio-chemistry been forcibly changed through diet or drugs?

Now maybe one or two of these elements are present in your marriage, your job, your sports team, church, chamber of commerce, fraternity or sorority,  etc.

But remember, all 5 elements must be present for more than a weekend. After all it may take a bit of time to be internalized into your unconscious mind.

Now. You don’t have to think about army basic training or “bootcamp” unless of course you want to…But if you were to think about it, imagine this:

1. You are far from home and confined to some sweltering, mosquito infested “base”
2. You are woken up at the crack of dawn every day by scratchy recording of a bugle playing reveille. When you least expect it they wake you up in the middle of the night for “drills”.
3. If you don’t “get with the program” you are shouted at, made to do extreme physical penance (“give me 50 push-ups worm”) and are subject to other emotional and psychological punishment.
4. If you get along and follow orders and are a good little soldier you get praise, awards, medals, shore leave, extra dessert etc.
5. Think about the food in the military! Just eating S.O.S and mountains of potatoes every day will change your bio chemistry.

I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I’m thinking about this Christian summer camp I went to with my church youth group for a week the summer between 9^th and 10 grade….

Hmmm.

1. I wasn’t in my normal environment. It was way nicer. A beautiful camp on a pristine lake in the mountains.
2. They kept us up late singing songs and woke us up really early. Averaged about 5 hours a night.
3. They didn’t shout or use overt physical pain. But they made use feel guilty as hell about all the impure thoughts we were having about the opposite (or same) sex. And all the sin we were carrying around with us. It felt painful to me. Very painful. So very, very painful. Forgive me Father for I have SINNED.
4. If you gave your life to Jesus you got applause and that special feeling of “getting with the program.” Plus some of the cutes girls were serious bible thumpers and I wanted “in” with them. ooooo more SIN for which I must feel shame and guilt!
5. Damn! No drugs or bizarre food. The food was good. For some people it was “better than home” Nobody was made to drink actual cool-aid or eat bugs.

So even though 4 out of 5 is pretty darn close, I managed to survive Christian summer camp with all my skepticism and doubts intact. Never underestimate the power of bad food or at least very different food to tip the brainwashing scales. It’s all in the details.

Now let’s talk about TV.

1. You are not isolated from your normal environment of influence. When you’re watching the tube you are most definitely in a zombie like trance but you are usually sitting on your own couch.
2. You’re sleep patterns are not interrupted. In fact many people prefer to fall asleep watching TV. There seem to be few reports of people sleep walking into a Hummer dealership with a bag of cash after falling asleep in front of the telly.
3. A really good commercial may remind you of the pain you are already in and may anchor pleasure to the idea that you can get out of pain by making a decision and taking action. Think about your hard earned dollars sneaking out your leaky, inefficient old windows… pain
4. A master influencer will definitely link pleasure to his or her idea or outcome for you. … now think about how wonderful the snug, tight, energy efficient thermal windows will be as they save you bushels of cash over the next 30 years…
5. An argument could be made that McDonalds food will change your body chemistry and get you hooked. Or all those pharmaceutical ads for the weight loss drug (with the rectal leakage side effect) could get you hooked and change your bio chemistry. But you’re still in your own home and they have yet to figure out how to get the TV to dispense their stuff. Plus, the other elements of brainwashing must also be present and you can….always….turn….off…..the ……TV.

So in a nutshell, TV advertising, is not brainwashing. Ads may be powerful. They may be insidious. They may be persuasive. They get stuck like a sappy love song in your rostromedial pre-frontal cortex and play over and over again. They may be hugely influential. They may not always be a force for good in our lives.

But you can always hit the off button…so it ain’t brainwashing.

Now I know you didn’t totally agree with everything I’ve said in the past or right now or in the future so if there are other things you agree with me on feel free to leave a comment below or just think of me as a genius for the next few moments….that’s right.

About the Author: Mark Shepard, NLPT is a Master Practitioner and Trainer of NLP, Hypnosis & Time Line Therapy. Read his blog: Modernjedi.com

For years it has been the other way around now hasn’t it. The man gets up the courage to walk over to the woman and shyly asks her if he could do her the honor of buying her a drink! She says yes, you buy her the drink, if she is nice you talk for five minutes and then she wanders off to leave you alone with your right hand later that evening.

Why doesn’t this work? Well, psychological studies have shown that when a man buys a woman a drink not only will she never like him; she will in fact come to detest him! (Yes, the study used the word detest!)

So honestly, one of the most powerful methods you can use to display value to a woman (meaning that you are a man of value to society) is to get her to buy you a drink!

Crazy you say, absolutely insane, but the truth of it is that it is entirely possible to accomplish this.

Here are some very powerful methods that you can use to get women to start buying you the drinks!

1. Story time

Tell a story where a different woman bought you a drink. Of course, you can’t say, “So I was in this bar and this woman bought me a drink” and then smirk like an idiot. But by telling a story where another woman bought you a drink you show her that it is entirely possible and plausible for a woman to buy you a drink!

Here is a great story I put together that has so much persuasion and psychologies in it I know the open minded of you out there are going to absolutely love it!

Check this out. I was at this bar the other night and I met this really cool girl and we hit it off so she offered to buy me a drink. So I agreed and we walked over to the bar and I told her since she is buying she has to choose the drink. So she gave like this evil smile that made me worried, kind of like your smile, and she ordered something I can’t even pronounce from the bartender.

Then the bartender started smiling and I was like, hooooolly shit. This cannot be good. So the bartender mixed a bunch of stuff up and put it together and then I swear to god he lit it on fire, and while it’s still on fucking fire this girl tells me to down it! So we both downed it and I felt fine- till like 30 seconds later- I don’t think I have ever been that drunk from one drink in my entire life! Was a great night though!

What this did was several things.

1. It clearly showed that women offer to buy you drinks regularly.
2. Because I said, “So I agreed” it implants in the woman’s mind that I don’t just let anybody buy me a drink.
3. I compared her to the woman who bought me a drink. Psychological studies have shown that somebody is going to be way more likely to do something new to them if they hear that somebody like them did it also. So I incorporated this into the story so she identifies with this girl in the story and she pictures herself doing the shot with me.

The Final Straw

Now there is one more thing that you can add to the end to really send her over the edge and pretty much guarantee she will buy you the drink: Here is what you add:

I doubt if when you buy me a drink it will be that exciting but I am sure that with the creativity we both possess we can think of something.

If you look closely, this is a sentence made up of three presuppositions. A presupposition is a statement where you assume that the person is going to do something…for instance, “If we go to California do you want to go to the playboy mansion” is NOT a presupposition because you are saying, “if” meaning you aren’t sure. But if you say, “When we go to California we will go to the playboy mansion” what happens is is that since you are assuming you guys are already going to California people go along with it! (So instead of saying to the girl, “If we go on a date we will get sushi,” say, “WHEN we go on a date we will get sushi” and she will be about 60% more likely to agree to the date.)

So NOW, what we have done is put THREE presuppositions into this sentence and the advantage to putting three is that psychological studies have shown that putting three shuts down the conscious brain and lets what you say go directly to a person’s unconscious mind! This is a very powerful technique: So what were the three presuppositions?!

1. That she will buy me a drink.
2. That she is creative and finally…
3. That we will think of something.

That’s a fun little bit of psychology now isn’t it.

Also, if she answers, “There is no way I am buying you a drink” (and after all that the chances are very low that she is going to say that but if she does…) then just respond, “Damn! I guess we are going to be sober all night.” And then bring the subject up again later by saying, “Woo, I am parched! Tell you what, you get the first round and I’ll get the second!”

**By the way, just a quick funny story: When I was first playing around with this technique I was not sure I would be able to pull it off. So the first time the girl said, “Alright, what are you drinking?” I said, “Are you serious?” and she was like, “Yeah,” to which I responded, “And you are paying?” and again she said “yeah” and I responded, “Are you serious?”

It was a funny 12 seconds as I realized that this actually worked.

2. Responses

Here is another fun one I know you guys will enjoy. If the girl says, “Do you want to go get a drink?” or “Let’s go get a drink” don’t offer to pay, as she is testing you. Instead say:

“Yeah! That sounds great, I’ll take a jack and coke (or whatever drink you want)” If you say this with conviction as if you really mistook her meaning I promise you that it will work!

And if it doesn’t, just say the famous line:

You get the first round and I’ll get the second.

3.The 5 Question Game

Here are some games you can play that will ensure getting a drink from a woman:

This is a common game played by people called Pick Up Artists but there is no reason you cannot use it to just have fun. Here is how you do it…

• You: Hey, we are going to make a little bet. We are going to play a game- basically I am going to ask you five questions and you have to answer each one of them falsely! If you answer it truthfully then you lose and you buy me a drink. If you win I buy you a drink. Deal?
• Her: Deal!
• You: Excellent. So where are you from?
• Her: Jersey.
• You: How old are you?
• Her: 75
• You: Ok, what kind of car do you drive?
• Her: A Honda.
• You: How many people are in your family?
• Her: 25.

(Now at this point you have asked her four questions….so you say to her)

• You: Damn! (And reach for your wallet as if you are about to buy her a drink) have you ever played this game before?
• Her: No.
• You: Aaaaaaaaaaand I got you on the fifth question.

**Some tips:

1. Space out the answers, she won’t be counting and you don’t want her to think that too little time has passed. So if you space them out then her conscious mind is going to be preoccupied with answering and her unconscious is going to pick up that enough time has passed for 5 questions to have been asked!
2. It is important to reach for your wallet when asking, “Have you played this before?” because she will be so excited about winning that she won’t think and will answer automatically!

4. The #17 Game

This happens to be a really fun one:

You: We are going to play a game. Basically you cannot say the number 17! If you do you buy me a drink. Deal?

• Her: Deal.
• You: Excellent. What’s 2+2?
• Her: 4
• You: What’s 4+4?
• Her: 8
• You: What’s 8+8?
• Her: 16
• You: What is 20+20?
• Her: 40
• You: What is 40+40?
• Her: 80
• You: What is 80-4?
• Her: 76
• You: What is 76-6?
• Her: 70
• You: Ha! You owe me a drink! I got you to say 70.
• Her: No! You said 17 not 70!
• You: ….and you just said it right there! I’ll take a Jack and Coke.

These last games are ways of tricking the woman into doing it and are very cute and you gain a lot of value from them. I would suggest mixing the two up…or play these games for a kiss or anything else you might desire.

They are both very good although the one I gave you displays more social value. If you get the woman to want to buy you a drink it is higher value than if you trick her into doing so, although the tricking her also plays with her emotional scale so they both have immense merits!

Good luck and enjoy getting drunk as these will work every time. Fore more great dating tips, check out my book Dating and Dancing!

About the Author: Yehuda Neuman is a widely renowned relationship expert and dating coach as well as professional sales consultant for some of the largest companies in New York City. Visit stylesofthemind.com and follow him on twitter or facebook.

Have you ever been tongue tied at the thought of approaching an attractive woman and introducing yourself? What about feeling awkward and out of place at business or social gatherings? How about hesitating to raise your hand in class or pick up the phone to make a sales call?

Before we go any farther. Stop! Think for a moment about the cost of this shyness crap in your life. Seriously. What’s it costing you?

• Imagine what it would be like to be able to approach any woman, any time and engage her in a relaxed funny, sexy, playful conversation that you both enjoy.
• Imagine being able to speak up for your own needs and desires and getting them.
• Imagine walking into a business networking meeting and people glowingly referring you to people who need and want your services.
• Imagine people seeking you out for advice and guidance regarding the product or service you offer…
• Imagine in a meeting or in a class raising your hand with a key question or comment that makes it easier for the trainer or teacher to teach and for the other students to understand…
• Imagine offering an idea that ends up saving your company thousands of dollars…
• Had an idea that you hesitated to share with your boss or colleagues.You might think you’re shy.

All well and good but first… that…. thing that….stops you from… taking the risk….

…Shyness. (It really does suck, doesn’t it?)

How To Stop Being Shy In Four Steps:

1. Realize you created it. Since you created it. You can change it.

Shyness is not a thing. It is something you do. It’s a process. It’s a habit. It’s a learned behavior. It is not a lifetime sentence. It is not genetic. It is not a disease, even though the shrinks love to “diagnose” it and call it “Social Anxiety Disorder”. At some point in your childhood you decided to be shy. You created it because it solved some problems and seemed to keep you out of bad feelings. Again, if you created it (and you really did, didn’t you?) you can change it.

2. Discover Your “Program” – Uncover your Unconscious process of “doing” shyness.

How do you do it? I get my clients to teach me how they do their problem. They don’t realize there are a set pattern of steps they go through to get that certain feeling. What triggers it? What do you do first? What do you do next? What comes after that? We care less about “why” you do it and more about “how”. Keep going through each step until you get to how you end the “program.” At some point you stop it don’t you? Write it out as if you are leaving instructions for your temporary worker to come in and do it for you so you can forget about the problem. What has to happen for you to start to not feel totally comfortable and confident? What’s the first thing? Do you see something or someone? What? Do you say something to yourself? What? Whose voice is it? Do you get a feeling in your body? Where? Does the feeling move? Does it have a shape? Does it have a color, a texture? Density? Write all this down so you can see it in black and white.

3. Jam Your “Program” – At any point if you change a significant element of how you do your “shyness program”, it will cause the program to jam.

For example let’s say in the past you’d see a hot babe and say to yourself. “oh my god she’s so hot… I’ll never be able to get a woman like that” in that sad hopeless wimpy little voice you hear in your head. Next you’d feel a sinking feeling in your stomach that was the size of a grapefruit with the density of a bowling ball.To Jam it you could do this instead: “Oh my gawd she’s so HOT! “ with An exaggerated lip licking smirk and then a playfully predatory “YUUUUUM!” And then shrink down the grapefruit sized feeling to a wiffle ball and push it out 3 feet in front of your body and smack that old crappy feeling with a baseball bat out of the park.Again for the sake of this example, I don’t know what you do specifically. But you know don’t you? Walk yourself through it and write it down. Then mess with it. Play with it. Run it backwards. Scramble it. Do the picture first and then the voice. Try different voices. Mickey Mouse, the Jolly green giant. Some really sexy babe. Repeat as needed.

4. Change your beliefs.

You probably believe you’re shy. How do you know? How do you know you’re not just pretending to be shy in order to get out of having to be successful in all areas of your life? I spend a lot more time on this in my Modern Jedi NLP Training but here’s the least you need to know.

• Beliefs filter our reality. What you believe becomes so. Change the belief. Change your reality. We represent our beliefs to ourselves internally through the pictures, self talk and feelings we run. For example, I hold my “true” beliefs directly in front of me on my mental screen. My old beliefs are down and to my left and slightly behind me. Beliefs I want to be true but don’t quite feel true yet are up and to my left.
• Here’s how to change a belief. When I first stopped being shy. I noticed that the belief that I was shy was right smack in front of me. The belief that I wanted to have, namely that I was the guy with charisma and confidence in any social situation, the guy who could strike up a conversation anywhere at anytime with the most powerful CEO or the most Babe-A-Licious hottie was up and to my left. When I took the shyness belief and slammed it down and left and a bit behind me (to my old beliefs) and powerfully pulled in the desired belief into the very center of my mental screen making it bigger and brighter, I suddenly felt different. Shyness gone. Poof! Holy crap!
• Results you can notice immediately. It totally changed my experience. Ten minutes later I found myself chatting with a gorgeous hottie as we both got our UPS delivery in the lobby of my apartment building. I did have to practice this occasionally. But so what? What was so cool about this was that I wasn’t “forcing” myself to talk with her. It was suddenly the most natural and comfortable thing to do. Want some?When you think of a belief that’s true for you notice where on your internal screen it shows up. Typically your limiting belief “I’m shy” will show up in your “true” spot.
• When you think of a belief about yourself that’s no longer true, (like you are no longer 12) notice where on your mental screen that shows up.
• Think about a belief you would like to have. Notice where that one shows up.
• Now move the  crappy belief about being shy to your old beliefs spot. Slam your desired belief about being charismatic and totally confident and comfortable in social situations into the place you hold your true beliefs.
• How does that feel?

It’s like reprogramming the VCR.

What has shyness prevented you from doing?

About the Author: Mark Shepard, NLPT is a Master Practitioner and Trainer of NLP, Hypnosis & Time Line Therapy. Read his blog: Modernjedi.com

Culture

Culture is a way of being and doing. It is so much a part of who we are that, like fish who cannot understand water until they are pulled out of it, we do not see the effects of our own culture on us. Cultural influences are most visible when looking at other countries and societies.

What strikes us is how strange other cultures are. How can they possibly believe that? Most people would question why someone would be willing to sacrifice their own life for their culture.

What does your culture tell you is worthwhile? What does your culture tell you is worth sacrificing your own life? Everyone, in any culture, will know the answers. It will seem so ‘common sense’ that these, and other questions are simple.  No one asks where the ideas come from.  Our own cultural influences are mostly hidden from us. And no matter how the answers differ from one culture to another, each person will be convinced that theirs is the correct answer and will feel it deep in their bones. Culture is like that. Don’t underestimate it.

Culture Goes Deeper Than You Think

It may surprise you how far back your cultural training goes. Surely, being right or left handed, or the sounds our mouth and tongues make, or the things we can and cannot eat – those are inborn, right?

Wrong.  There is a preference for one hand over the other before birth (as shown by thumb/finger sucking behavior) and if ‘left alone’ by culture, this will remain the dominant hand. However, cultures haven’t always stayed out of the picture. It takes about 8 months to switch from one hand to the other (as demonstrated by people who lose the use of a dominant hand).

In Britain, during the 1970s, a study was conducted that showed while more than 10% of the population started out left-handed, the population over 55 was down around 3%. What happened? The explanation is cultural.

Because of societal prejudice in the 19th and early 20th centuries, left-handedness was seen as a detrimental trait. A trait that could keep you from getting married and reproducing or one that had to be ‘beaten out’. Thankfully, this has changed. As cultures came to accept left handers (and even value them in some sports) the number of people born with a left-handed preference remained left handed. When cultures change, people change.

Culture also determines the sounds you are able to make with your mouth. Humans are born as natural linguists, able to speak any human language at all. This ability, found in young children, is lost as age increases and we are then only able to correctly pronounce our native language. We are born mimics, and our culture tells us, and shapes us, to make the sounds required to fit in.

How Culture Affects Communication

Culturally based communication styles cause problems when parties do not recognize relevant cross-cultural differences. People tend to think that everyone uses the same rules and meanings. An American, for instance, usually uses an informal speaking tone and adopts an open and honest style in negotiations. This is also reflected subconsciously in their body language.

But there is no universal, cross-cultural mode of communication. Americans tend to smile a great deal, even with strangers. It’s seen as just being friendly. In other cultures, a smile may indicate embarrassment or even be insulting. Even such common, subconscious movements, like shrugging, or rubbing one’s forehead, can be misinterpreted and have great significance in other cultures.

A good idea would be to identify these often subconscious speaking and body language habits. If they can be made visible, and if they can be understood, they can be used consciously to great effect.

Beliefs

Beliefs are opinions and ideas about things for which there isn’t enough information available to say, “I know.”

The difference between beliefs and culture is that while they both give us ‘truths’ of a sort, culture moves very slowly compared to beliefs. Culture changes over generations, beliefs can change overnight. Throughout your life there will be periods where beliefs change. They disappear, get stronger, and new beliefs arise as old ones are abandoned. Some changes are obvious – Santa Claus and the tooth fairy are two we usually abandon fairly soon. Religious conversion (either towards or away from) is a powerful belief change.

The important thing is to understand that shared beliefs encourage rapport. When you run into a belief that strongly contradicts your own, you are most likely to reject the person who holds them as being stupid or crazy. But, of course, our own beliefs aren’t stupid or crazy. Are they?

Well, we used to believe the earth was flat, Pluto was a planet, ‘bleeding’ someone could cure disease and women weren’t smart enough to vote.  Stupid? Crazy? Not at all. Remember, beliefs fill the gap when there aren’t enough facts to actually know.

Recognize that others hold beliefs contrary to your own. Forget actual truth value, beliefs only seem true because they haven’t been proven false. Beliefs are powerful things and often resist change.

Past experiences

How you react to the events in your present circumstances is based on similar experiences you’ve had in the past. This is a great convenience to us, but is prone to mistakes.

The expedient part is that we don’t have to rethink every small part of our daily experience. A thousand minor events are dealt with nearly subconsciously. Everything from tying our shoes, buying gas, even reading and writing – all these skills are stored as memories. And we don’t have to relearn each task. The mistakes happen when we misuse or misapply our experiences. Americans have some difficulty driving in Europe. The same task that is automatic at home suddenly becomes difficult ‘on the wrong side of the road’. Of course, there isn’t a right or a wrong side. It’s just that our experiences no longer match the world around us.

Less obvious to us are the day to day mistakes – the assumptions we make, based on past experience, about new people. Slurred speech means they are dumb. Wrinkled clothing means they have sloppy work habits. The list of prejudices is endless. But memory is a powerful thing. If you’ve had difficulty with computers, and you need to use a computer, the whole experience is going to be shaped by your past experience. This may even congeal into a belief – computers are hard to work with.

April, 2007, Virginia Tech. 32 students are killed by Seung-Hui Cho. Although his motivations were complex, one thing is clear from the statements he left. His fear and loathing for society at large had been building for a long time. Labeled years before as having a social anxiety disorder, Cho’s experiences were of rejection and bullying by his peers. He found nothing of value in society and said, “You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option…You just loved to crucify me. You loved inducing cancer in my head, terror in my heart and ripping my soul all this time”.

Experiences matter. They accumulate and contribute to our model of the world around us. And a different set of experiences makes a different person. You are not just what you do, but what you have done. The paradox is that every new activity is different in some ways from the remembered one. Finding and exploiting these differences is key: knowing how much, and how little, to rely on past experience.

Become a Powerful Influencer

Now that you have a much better understanding on why people do what they do, you will find it much easier to “relate” with people you talk to. It’s not about you, it’s about the person in front of you.

Why befriend someone?

I fully agree with the saying, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.  Any business requires skills to network by talking to people that you don’t know.  The more people you talk to and befriend, the better chances you have with succeeding in what ever career your pursuing.

Personality Types

1. Analytical

2. Amiable

3. Expressive

4. Driver

These are the 4 personality types that every single person in the world falls under.  You can be only one of the listed personalities, however you can be a different one when put under stress or pressure.  I have a friend who is very analytical most of the time but when put under pressure he becomes a hardcore driver.  I have another friend who’s very analytical and remains analytical when put under pressure.

So after you understand how you can determine what personality type someone is, you can use your skills of versatility and match the same personality type they are.  For example if you are an expressive and the person your communicating with a driver, be a driver.  You must understand that people like talking to people that are like themselves. By you matching their personality type, the person will begin to feel comfortable with you and will be more likely to do business with you.

Proactive people vs Reactive people

Proactive:

Takes charge, gets things done. Sees themselves as a force in the world and isn’t shy about applying that force. Takes matters into their own hands; steps up; active over passive. Usually most comfortable working independently – sales or self employed.

Words and phrases they use:

Run with it. Just do it. Go for it. Quit stalling. Get a move on.

Feelings:

A sense of ownership of an activity – they internalize the success or failure of what they have taken on. Criticizing the activity can be seen as a criticism of them. They create identity by what they do – I am a plumber; I am a postman; I am a doctor.

Reactive:

Wait for others, evaluate, tends to over-analyze. Wants to have all the facts and details. Usually happy on a team – as an employee or in a field with clearly established rules to follow.

Words and phrases they use:

Take your time. Let’s not rush. What are the pros and cons? We should wait until we know more.

Feelings:

Worries about rushing into things unprepared. Is willing to let others take charge. Wants all the resources ahead of time. Seeks information and opinions. Doesn’t feel able to stick their neck out. Doesn’t like risk; risk makes them uncomfortable.

The type of question you should ask to determine which one they are:

Toward vs Away (Pleasure vs Pain)

Toward Pleasure:

These people  strive to achieve goals and incentives.  They’d rather go after making a millions of dollars, compared to a pain oriented person who would rather not have zero dollars in their bank account.

Words and phrases they use:

Accomplish, get, attain, have, achieve. No pain, no gain. It’s worth the risk. Take a chance. Don’t be a stick in the mud. I’d love to try that.

Will tend to speak about some future condition and skip over the complications of getting there.

Feelings:

Values the new; will seek excitement. Often seen as an optimist. Counts their chickens before they hatch; strong visualization of rewards. Will be uncomfortable with recounting past unsuccessful endeavors. Will get excited about pay-offs of some action. Will strive for bonuses and titles in the workplace. More likely to be a ‘job shopper’ – someone who changes employers to get more money or status.

Away from pain:

Instead of being pulled by pleasure, the person is pushed from behind. They want to avoid pain. They move away from the uncomfortable and stressful. Their viewpoint is looking backwards. It’s the ‘fire beneath them’ that motivates action.

Without any pressures, these people tend to stick to the status quo. They value stability. They are seen as long-term employees who are competent but less motivated.

Words and phrases they use:

Prevent, remove, avoid. I had to; I have to. I don’t want that to happen again. I won’t make that mistake again. This is good enough. It doesn’t matter. Look before you leap. Don’t give up what you have for some pie in the sky. Well, at least we have this. It isn’t worth it. We should stick with the plan. We can’t let that happen.

Feelings:

Uncertainty when confronted with change. Will overreact to failures and avoid situations that seem similar. Feels threatened and responds enough to remove the threat. Worries about what could go wrong and seeks to move away from pain. Unwilling to ‘just forget about it’. Feels regrets strongly. Plays ‘what if’ scenarios. Values stability – more likely to respond to long-term benefits that prevent a painful condition than gains that require some sacrifice.

The type of question you should ask to determine which one they are:

Internal vs External

Internal:

Doesn’t require input from other people. Decisions are made by referencing internal cues. Self motivated; values their own ideas, doesn’t need to check with others. Sometimes seems a loner and self absorbed. Can conflict with ‘group think’. Doesn’t have a good sense of ‘the will of the crowd’. Isn’t influenced by polling (4 out of 5 dentists agree). Has to be convinced of the value of fitting in. Prefers situations where their own ideas have worth. Tends to overvalue their own past experiences, even with new circumstances. Can seem opinionated.

Words and phrases:

I, me, my. I think. I already know, you don’t have to tell me. I’ve already thought about it. I know all about it. Pauses to check with their interior mind.

Feelings:

Internal dialog/discussion. Strong feeling of ‘knowing’ from past experiences that are related to the present situation. Feelings of certainty after some thought and consideration. Introspective. Doesn’t mind being alone with their thoughts. Enjoys interior flights of fancy. Often prefers the ‘purity’ of visualization over the ‘dirty’ of real world application. Hates being told.

External:

Values research and the opinions of others. Listens and accepts criticisms. Looks to others for direction. Is influenced by polling and what others think. Wants to fit into the normal standards of a group. Likes consensus, will ‘give in’. Motivated by group ideals and goals. Unlikely to ‘go it alone’.

Words and phrases:

We, us, they. What do you think? You tell me. What about this? How did they do it before? Let’s brainstorm it. How should we do it?

Feelings:

Isn’t sure until an idea is ‘out there’. Wants the approval of others for ideas expressed. More likely to share the basis for decisions. Prefers ‘go along to get along’. Sees different as weird or ‘bad’. Strong group identity, will bond easily and usually loyal. Sees themselves as part of a larger picture. Doesn’t mind being told.

The type of question you should ask to determine which one they are:

Matching vs Contrasting (Sameness vs Difference)

Matching:

Looks to match new things with old, familiar things. Sees the new as ‘like’ similar, known things. Understands best when links are made between the familiar and the less familiar.

Words and phrases:

Same, similar, like, as good as, common. It’s like when… It’s just like… This reminds me of… Remember when…?

Feelings:

Comfortable with extensions from the known – add ons. Values the familiar, loath to change what already works OK. Sees things in types. Can be frustrated with nuances – “But they are all the same!” Tries to put things in categories, sometimes seems prejudiced. Doesn’t rebel against stereotypes.

Contrasting:

Looks to see where the new differs from the old. Focus is on how things differ. Understands best when contrasts are made.

Words and phrases:

Different, alter, change, no comparison, completely new. This changes things. The improvement is obvious. A new paradigm; a fresh idea; a whole new product. It’s as different as night and day.

Feelings:

Wants to see the nuances to pick out differences. Uncomfortable with sweeping categories. Attempts to find key differences in related items or tasks. Gets frustrated with small things that “ought to be changed to make this work better…” Sees things as instances – this one is different than the one before.

The type of question you should ask to determine which one they are:

I was always told to be myself…

Who you are today, is because of the decisions you’ve made in the past. Who you will be in the future, will be determined by what you do now.  If you’re goal is to network, meet, and connect with more people, it’s important to put yourself aside and focus on the person in front of you.  People would then tell me that this is a very manipulative and fake technique.  I perceive it in a different way.  I think if you don’t match their persona as a whole, your being selfish and stubborn.  Unless your intention is to do harm, matching the person in front of you is very caring, sincere, and real.  It all depends on your intention.

This is a mouthful to take in all at once especially since you’re supposed to understand all of it within minutes or even seconds of meeting someone, but practice one technique at a time.

Knowing all of these techniques will enable you to become one Irresistibly persuasive communicator. A few more details about getting in rapport with someone can be seen from an old post called: 5 Tactics to Build Rapport

How will you APPLY the techniques from this post?

A friend of mine, who is an atomic visual, did terrible in a some of his classes because most of his professors used lectures (auditory) as their style of teaching. However the classes he was doing well in were with professors who taught in a visual style.

This obviously worked vice versa for students who more auditory or kinesthetic than visual. This is a clear cut example that teachers and professors should be able to teach their students with more versatility. I don’t disagree that the students should also learn to become versatile, but the bottom line is, we will almost always be more dominate in one area, so it’s becomes imperative for teachers and professors to learn to educate with more versatility.

Have you noticed this in school?

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